fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
