I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
