how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
