Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
