is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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