Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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