Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
