I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Your dad touched me again.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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