My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
