Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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