I hate your face
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I want to be your penis for a week.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
