I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I fill condoms, not promises.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
