I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
