I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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