I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
