My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
