ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Four minutes until I can fart!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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