Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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