i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
