Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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