im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
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My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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