i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
