Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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