Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
