JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
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I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
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Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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