oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
