at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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