I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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