Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
