You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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