Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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