My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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