i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
