I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
