Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
