Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
