They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
