babies were throwing up all over the place
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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