i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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