I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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