FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
