So drunk, too bad you don't want this
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
What a dumb baby whore.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
