First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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