No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
