At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
