Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
