I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
