Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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