I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
