i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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