Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
