It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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