I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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