I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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