I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
