he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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