omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
