Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
