I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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