We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
